saudade (n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; “the love that remains” pronunciation | ‘sau- “da-DE - Portuguese

Its been too long…

Good Morning Muttty,

Well the first year heaven anniversary came and went without much ado… it was easier than I thought but that’s maybe quite possibly due to the fact your Sissy-Pie got hitched.

Sissy-pie's BouquetShe was a beautiful bride hunny… and we tried to make you as much a part of it as we could. In her bouquet, there was one single yellow rose … in memory of you.

I miss her on the days that are really hard for me…

The days lately however have been devastatingly hard. I’m not sure why. Usually I can go about the day and shed a few tears… but lately has been harder than usual. Maybe because I miss you, or maybe because I miss my mom. Maybe both.

You know, Grandma died just two months after you, and well I have to admit, I don’t think I grieved for her. Not because I didn’t love her, but rather because I was happy for her to finally be free… but also because I think I was still in shock from you leaving. I used to try to pretend that you were just away with friends… and the urge to call you…or text you. Oh my God, how that hurts.

I miss her on the days that are really hard for me and for real … lately I have been having a shit ton of them. Because even though she was crabby and bitchy almost always, she was phenomenally great for commiserating.

I find myself crying for no reasons other than missing you terribly. That hole will forever be there. Never to be filled by anyone or anything. That hole is where I whisper “goodnight”, “Good morning”, “I love you”, “I miss you so, so, so, so, so, much!” and yes, even sometimes I get angry at you for dying and other times I am at peace with it, because I know how you were so sick all the time. No one will ever again have the deep, deep conversations with me like we used to have almost on a daily basis. I thought maybe if I wrote to you that I would somehow feel better. I’m not so sure it will help …but for God’s sake, please let something shift here. I seem to have lost all the joy in my life. I strive for tiny moments of it in between the great voids of sadness. I have never felt pain for someone I have lost to this extreme… the loss of a child does not even exist in the same arena as a parent loss. I miss my mom and dad, but not like I miss you. Its a whole different ball game.

When people tell me they have lost a parent and they know the feelings…I find myself wanting to scream at them “YOU HAVEN’T LOST A CHILD!!! YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT IT IS TO WALK THIS PATH!” With the loss of a parent, you learn to fill that void. You learn to not miss them so much… and with a child, that hole will never be filled. It is heavily present at every special occasion, holiday, and celebration. Every life milestone your other children reach, you know the child you lost will never reach it… and as wonderful as I believe heaven is … it still hurts deeply.

I had to take your photo down from beside my bed so it wasn’t the first thing I saw when I awoke in the morning. I hope you can forgive me… but I need to purge you just a little so I can at the very least try to get through showering without you being front and center. And all I have to do is think about you on the night you died, and I can see you…every little detail. The position of your head, the sound of your final breathes… and then nothing. Just peace. But do you think I can do that with the good memories? And goddamn Facebook and God love them for the memories because things I have forgotten are still there. Those little messages you’d privately send to me for my eyes only…

It’s like a storm that cuts a path… it breaks your will, it feels like that.

I know it’s dark this part of life. It finds us all … we’re too small to stop the rain.

…but you did. You did let go. And I am still hanging on for dear life, if not my own sanity… I am pissed that you did. I still need you.

I love you Mutty. So much… I love you.

Love,
Mom


2 Comments

  • Susan

    August 17, 2016

    Hi Karen…beautiful words you have written today. So much that I can feel the thoughts that you have put down. Take care
    Sue

    Reply
  • Sandy

    August 17, 2016

    I will never forget this story that carved a hole in my heart….

    Hugs!

    Gratefully,
    Sandy

    Reply

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